Our Happily Ever After

When I was pregnant with Nylah, everyone thought I was having a boy. Only a few people ever thought it was a girl. For whatever reason, people just envisioned a boy. As a result, I started picturing a boy right along with them.  But, somewhere deeper, I think I have always wanted a girl. I know girls. I understand girls. And more importantly, I really wanted that special mother/daughter bond that so many other moms had.

I remember being so frustrated that the ultrasound technician could not tell me at 20 weeks if the baby was a girl or a boy. We went in 2 more times, and they still couldn't see the gender. She was curled up so tight, and there between her legs sat the umbilical cord, keeping it a mystery for a few more weeks. During that time, I remember driving to the store one day, thinking to myself that I was so sure it was a boy. After all, everyone else thought it was a boy. Then, right in the middle of that thought, on popped the song, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", and instantly I envisioned all the fun I could have with a girl. Dress ups, baking cakes, playing with baby dolls, tea parties and princess dresses, etc., etc.  And, in a matter of seconds, tears instantly fell from my face and I said to myself, "I want a girl!"  The hormones didn't help of course, but I remember immediately feeling guilty. It was the first time I had ever said out loud or to myself that I wanted a girl. After all, how could I be so selfish to be so specific? I prayed and pleaded with God for eight long years to give me a baby, any baby. How could I possibly narrow it down to a girl now? 

Now I know that had it been a boy, we'd be just as crazy in love with him, and nothing would be different really. He would still be a miracle. He'd still be loved. And he's still be the most photographed baby in the universe! In fact, part of me is sad that I don't have a boy. It would be fun to have fun boy stories to share, and experience all the joy that boys are.  But, God gave us Nylah, and I am SO happy! He knew my heart, he knew my desires, and he listened to the silent cries of my soul. When the technician finally said, "It's a girl", tears welled up in my eyes and I went shopping immediately! :)

When we were stationed in Italy, I went through one of the loneliest times of my life. We saw a specialist over there who did not give much hope to us on having a baby, and instead wanted to make the process so much harder than necessary. Shortly after that, Allen deployed to Afghanistan and I was alone for 6 long months. In a foreign country. No family. Very few friends. And I remember saying to God, "This is not how I envisioned my life, God!" I was angry, frustrated...lonely.

One day while visiting a little Italian boutique store, just for the sake of it, I saw these cute little dolls made of beautiful, soft silicone. I thought, how fun to buy those for a little girl. Dare I imagine them for my own daughter one day? Would she like dolls? Would she like these?  Then, I briefly thought of my niece, but she was a brand new baby at the time. Needless to say, I ended of buying them and later kicking myself. For two years they sat, unopened in their boxes, up on a self in my closet. I honestly don't know what I was thinking buying them. They weren't even all that cute, and I came close to selling them a couple of times.
Maybe this was just more proof I wanted a girl. Maybe I was tired of walking by the toy store and never getting to buy something fun for my own child. Maybe I was tired of buying fun, cute things for everyone else's kids, and never my own. Whatever it was, I bought those dolls in a whim; in a desperate need to fill a hole. And, so they too sat waiting.

Then, fast forward to this weekend. We did a lot of Spring cleaning. Allen rented the Rug Doctor and we shampooed all the rugs in the house, including Nylah's room. After they dried, I attempted to put everything back in Nylah's room. Things got re-arranged and sorted. And for whatever reason, I thought about those two dolls, still boxed up in my closet. I thought, how cute they'd look up on her shelf. So, in the middle of cleaning and rearranging her room, I dragged the dolls out. And luckily for me, she loves dolls. As soon as she saw their faces peeking through the little window on the box, she repeatedly said, "Please! Please! Please!"  She wanted those babies! So, I unwrapped them and pulled them out for her. She'd point to their eyes, then their mouths, and say, "Baby!" After a few minutes, she was ready to move on and play with something else, so I placed them up on the shelf and will leave them there until she is ready to play with them again next time.

God knows our hearts, even before we can make sense of things ourselves. And it was a great reminder to see these dolls, and be reminded of my 'happily ever after'.

Sensory Bags

We aren't ones that like to stay home during the day, especially when the weather is good. So, imagine our frustration when Nylah picked up another bug and we had to stay home for a few days. It was nothing but runny noses, the same boring toys and constant whining.  Also, what's the deal with the term "Stay at Home Mom?" It just doesn't sit well with me for some reason. First of all, I do everything BUT stay at home. We like our play dates, our baby enrichment classes, our trips to the park, summer activities and so on and so on. We are not big fans of TV or staying home for long periods.  When I think of the term "Stay at Home Mom", that's exactly what I visualize: staying home, and that's it! I don't get any happy visuals with "stay at home mom."  If you ask me, we need to change it to "Work at Home Mom", because that's exactly what we do. We are always busy!

So, last night after I put Nylah to bed, I wanted to create a sensory play area for her; something different from her usual toys. Something challenging and fun since we were stuck at home. I've wanted to do sensory projects since she was little but never really did. So, I jumped on Pinterest and got a few ideas, then got to work. Most of it was done on a whim, but at least it was something different for her to wake up to this morning.

We have a little section of counter space where we had bar stools once upon a time, and I have been wanting to do something with that area for a while, since moving the stools out. So I decided to lay the sensory bags underneath and duct tape them to the floor. Up above them, I attached her flashcards so that we could practice our ABC's while pointing at the objects.  She loves that. We have flashcards hanging up all over the house, and she loves pointing to them and waiting for me to name them for her.

Daddy took her right over to it when she woke up, and she was very curious about it right away. She immediately started to crawl and walk all over them. Unfortunately, the two bags that had water in them didn't last long, which I figured. The blue bag leaked out all over her white pants and socks. Luckily for me, I didn't use regular dye like a lot of people do. I used the Crayola bath dropz, which washed out right away.  I may try double bagging them next time.  All the other bags were non-liquid and are standing strong.

In the first three bags are brown sugar, yellow water with caps, and blue water with cut up straws)

 In the last two bags are jelly beans and bath salts with yellow caps

I am definitely not a Pinterest mom, but over all I like how it turned out. I'll change up a few things for next time, and later on in the week the hubby might help me make a sensory board to hang in the hallway for her.

The Cozy

I am by no means a Pinterest mom, so I am quite excited about this little cozy. And, if I may say so myself, I think it turned out even better than the one I found on Pinterest. Allen helped cut out the windows since he is more precise than me, and it comes complete with purple trim and a smokey chimney.

 

Duck tape trim around the window, complete with a valance. 

 Here's the original house. I must say, I do like their smokey chimney better than mine.

Strong Willed Is A Blessing!

 The more I watch Nylah grow, the more personality I see emerge from her. She is strong. She is determined. She is happy. She is moody. She is serious. She is a thinker.  And, she's at that stage where she wants to express her independence, and voice all those wants and needs in the utter most exclamatory way possible. Most of her moodiness and aggravation I have shrugged off as just regular toddler behavior that would pass.
But, over the past few weeks, Allen and I have come to the conclusion that our 'sweet' beautiful little girl is also a very strong willed little girl. In the past few weeks we have watched an iron-fisted determination emerge from her, and when her expectations don't come into fruition, out pops a beastly creature that we do not recognize.


 When she was born, I used to brag because she literally seemed to have all of Allen's best features and all of my best features. She had Allen's beautiful eye color, and my bushy brown hair, etc. The qualities we didn't want to her to have, she seemed to skip out on altogether, and we joked that she was the perfect baby! These are all vain things of course, and we would love her no matter what she looked like. But little did I know that this laid back, content, and 'perfect' little baby would inevitably grow to inherit my strong willed personality that I have struggled over the years to look at as "good". It has gotten me into trouble quite a few times over the years, but it has also driven me and pushed me when I really needed to grow.

I honestly don't know how my mom ever did it. I remember her being so patient with me at times, even in my ugliest of moments. She never crushed my spirit, and I want to also be careful not to crush Nylah's spirit.

 The other day I watched her struggle as she tried fitting her toy maracas into a cup that was obviously too small to hold them. She had been playing so contently up until this point, but I watched her quickly grow frustrated in a matter of minutes. She kicked her feet at first, then tried once again to fit the maracas inside the tiny cup. She grunted and whined, until at last she thew herself on her stomach, screamed and banged her head on the floor.
I was at such a loss because I couldn't correct her for doing something wrong; she was just trying to make something work that simply was not working.  And I couldn't even find a way to explain to her little 18-month-old brain that those silly little maracas could not possibly fit into that tiny cup. All I could do was hold her, count to 20 and wait for her to calm down, then try to explain in a way she 'might' understand that this behavior is unacceptable.

Some things are harder because they require immediate correction, and sometimes it feels like a constant replay of words. "We don't hit, Nylah."  "We don't throw things, Nylah." "Stop whining, Nylah." And for the most part, I have kept calm and put her in time out, or even given her a little paddle on the bum if the situation is serious enough. I NEVER hit her, and I vary rarely loose my temper and react out of anger. I don't want to be that kind of mom. I don't want to be the mom who can never get through to her child unless she is yelling constantly, or threatening them. However, I am not perfect and sometimes I make mistakes. Last week we had a really rough day. She was frustrated. I was frustrated. And while I was correcting her over one thing, she promptly picked up a toy and threw it at me, hitting me hard in the face. I lost my patience, raised my voice and we both ended up in our rooms, in time out!
It was in this moment that I realized just how strong willed she really is, and how much work we have to do! I need to be firm with her, all while keeping that great big spirit of hers whole! So, alas, here we are...on this journey that I recognize all too well, learning and figuring things out from a parental perspective. I'm looking forward to reading books and hearing from other parents on how to raise a strong willed child.

It's really important for me to remember that her strong will does not define her. This is only part of her personality, and if we teach her to cultivate it and channel it in the right directions, it will be a great asset for her.  It's also important for me to remember all the other parts of her personality. She may be easily set off at times, but she is silly, quirky and completely loveable. I love how she randomly comes up to me, lays her head on me and says, "Awe!"  This is her way of saying, "I love you, Mama!".
I love how she blows kisses at bedtime, and says 'bye-bye' instead of 'nite-nite'.
I love how she walks by people in public and waves to everyone in sight, then waves again to say 'bye-bye.'
I love that she charms everyone she meets, and quite possibly makes peoples day a bit brighter.
I love how her face lights up when I hand her her sippy cup, and how she carries it around the house like a long-lost best friend!
I love her spirit and her charm, and her determination as she thinks deeply.

My heart for you, Nylah is that you grow into a strong and directed woman. I want to be firm with you, while showing you grace, just as God shows grace to me when I make mistakes as your mom. I don't want to appease you or make you happy in the moment.  I want every moment to be a teachable moment. I want you to learn from wrong behavior and grow from it. I want you to learn from disappointment and use it as a tool to drive you further. I want you to be driven, yet respectful of boundaries. I want you to never give up, yet know when it's time to let go. And most importantly, as your mom, I want you to trust in me and my decisions for you, just as I trust God to give me wisdom to guide you.