Our Happily Ever After

When I was pregnant with Nylah, everyone thought I was having a boy. Only a few people ever thought it was a girl. For whatever reason, people just envisioned a boy. As a result, I started picturing a boy right along with them.  But, somewhere deeper, I think I have always wanted a girl. I know girls. I understand girls. And more importantly, I really wanted that special mother/daughter bond that so many other moms had.

I remember being so frustrated that the ultrasound technician could not tell me at 20 weeks if the baby was a girl or a boy. We went in 2 more times, and they still couldn't see the gender. She was curled up so tight, and there between her legs sat the umbilical cord, keeping it a mystery for a few more weeks. During that time, I remember driving to the store one day, thinking to myself that I was so sure it was a boy. After all, everyone else thought it was a boy. Then, right in the middle of that thought, on popped the song, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", and instantly I envisioned all the fun I could have with a girl. Dress ups, baking cakes, playing with baby dolls, tea parties and princess dresses, etc., etc.  And, in a matter of seconds, tears instantly fell from my face and I said to myself, "I want a girl!"  The hormones didn't help of course, but I remember immediately feeling guilty. It was the first time I had ever said out loud or to myself that I wanted a girl. After all, how could I be so selfish to be so specific? I prayed and pleaded with God for eight long years to give me a baby, any baby. How could I possibly narrow it down to a girl now? 

Now I know that had it been a boy, we'd be just as crazy in love with him, and nothing would be different really. He would still be a miracle. He'd still be loved. And he's still be the most photographed baby in the universe! In fact, part of me is sad that I don't have a boy. It would be fun to have fun boy stories to share, and experience all the joy that boys are.  But, God gave us Nylah, and I am SO happy! He knew my heart, he knew my desires, and he listened to the silent cries of my soul. When the technician finally said, "It's a girl", tears welled up in my eyes and I went shopping immediately! :)

When we were stationed in Italy, I went through one of the loneliest times of my life. We saw a specialist over there who did not give much hope to us on having a baby, and instead wanted to make the process so much harder than necessary. Shortly after that, Allen deployed to Afghanistan and I was alone for 6 long months. In a foreign country. No family. Very few friends. And I remember saying to God, "This is not how I envisioned my life, God!" I was angry, frustrated...lonely.

One day while visiting a little Italian boutique store, just for the sake of it, I saw these cute little dolls made of beautiful, soft silicone. I thought, how fun to buy those for a little girl. Dare I imagine them for my own daughter one day? Would she like dolls? Would she like these?  Then, I briefly thought of my niece, but she was a brand new baby at the time. Needless to say, I ended of buying them and later kicking myself. For two years they sat, unopened in their boxes, up on a self in my closet. I honestly don't know what I was thinking buying them. They weren't even all that cute, and I came close to selling them a couple of times.
Maybe this was just more proof I wanted a girl. Maybe I was tired of walking by the toy store and never getting to buy something fun for my own child. Maybe I was tired of buying fun, cute things for everyone else's kids, and never my own. Whatever it was, I bought those dolls in a whim; in a desperate need to fill a hole. And, so they too sat waiting.

Then, fast forward to this weekend. We did a lot of Spring cleaning. Allen rented the Rug Doctor and we shampooed all the rugs in the house, including Nylah's room. After they dried, I attempted to put everything back in Nylah's room. Things got re-arranged and sorted. And for whatever reason, I thought about those two dolls, still boxed up in my closet. I thought, how cute they'd look up on her shelf. So, in the middle of cleaning and rearranging her room, I dragged the dolls out. And luckily for me, she loves dolls. As soon as she saw their faces peeking through the little window on the box, she repeatedly said, "Please! Please! Please!"  She wanted those babies! So, I unwrapped them and pulled them out for her. She'd point to their eyes, then their mouths, and say, "Baby!" After a few minutes, she was ready to move on and play with something else, so I placed them up on the shelf and will leave them there until she is ready to play with them again next time.

God knows our hearts, even before we can make sense of things ourselves. And it was a great reminder to see these dolls, and be reminded of my 'happily ever after'.